Peace

It's been such a long time since I've posted on this!
Sophomore year has been pretty enjoyable so far. I really like it a lot more than freshman year. I love the people that I hang out with (even if they are mostly boys) and I feel better about where I stand in my classes and my involvement in activities outside of school and church. I've gotten to know some more people in my classes and just generally people that I saw a lot of on campus but never really talked to before.
I think subconsciously I've been aware that I've grown really complacent with a lot of things in my life... First off, I was very complacent with my walk with God over the summer. I've slowly grown to be more in awe of God and less.. jaded, I guess. This summer made me realize a lot of things. One of which is that I really rely on the community that surrounds me to continue to grow spiritually. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I think it's rooted in the fact that I grew a lot as a result of being surrounded by such a strong and tightly knit community, and it means that I have a lot more growing ahead of me..
I'm also really complacent with the group of friends that I have. By no means do I mean that I am unhappy with the group of friends that I hang out with so often now. I often reflect about a conversation I overheard because they were talking about the importance of being closer to your girl friends than your guy friends. A lot of it talked about boundaries and what would happen once your guy friend gets a girlfriend because the nature of your friendship changes after that. I don't think I cross any boundaries with my friends, and I think of them wholeheartedly as my brothers, but I sometimes wonder how a girl who likes them would feel if they knew that there was already a girl who was very close to him...
I know I should try harder to build deep relationships with the girls around me. It's just so much harder. It's so convenient to hang out with Dan and Charles and the other IV boys... they're fun, they understand me and my humor, and it's comfortable. It's easy to just go to them after a long day and have a few good laughs and feel a lot happier when I return to my homework. Girls are just so much harder to connect with... I feel judged more often by girls than by guys and girls like to talk about boys too much. I get along really well with Lily (Orgo lab partner / general study buddy) but she seems to already have a good core group of friends and other than, she just seems to busy to really hang out with a lot. I do adore the girls that I am close to; unfortunately, three of them are off campus and two of them live on Central which is just... separate.

I love writing in this blog because everytime I finish an entry like this, I feel like whatever has been weighing down my heart is lifted.
& I love taking pictures. Whether or not I have my camera, whenever I see something that would inspire me to shoot it, I can only think of the things God has done to create a world as beautiful as this and put someone like me here to live in it.
Might sound cliche, but 100% genuine.

Hello, Goodbye

Ça commence aujourd’hui

Translation: It all starts today
I had to watch this movie today for my French class. It all starts out with a Kindergarten teacher in a small town in France. The town is in a depression and a huge economic slump (sound familiar?). The thing about the movie that struck me the most is what the children had to encounter. The first case was one girl whose mother is a drunk and continues to drink all the time because she has nothing better to do. She can't pay the bills, and as a result, her family has gone without electricity for over 8 months. She talks to the teachers about it, and they try to help, but the government is plagued with complaints and is in debt as well. To avoid everything, she decides to kill her children and herself.
The second case is about a family that is completely unemployed. The parents have lost all hope, so they stop setting the alarm to take their kid to school. The kindergarten teacher tries to convince them that their child's education is something to have hope in, and that even if they don't have a job they should still try to take their kid to school--especially because it's free for those who can't afford it. They do end up sending their daughter back to school, and she manages all A's.
The third case is about a boy who is abused by his uncle. They find marks and bruises all over his body, and the breaking point for the teachers is when they find a gash on his head. The uncle is reported but not without a fight, and he comes to threaten the teacher who reported him. The child is finally separated from his uncle and mom, and it can only be assumed that it is for the better.
Throughout the movie, the teacher tries to gain funding for his school; however, the local government is reluctant, to say the least, to give him any money, and they insist that the parents must pay the $5/month needed to keep their child there. They also refuse to give lunches for the kids because the kids can't eat for free.
That's one of the things that bothered me the most. Will there really be a point where the government will completely ignore the needs of a minority in order to do what they think is best for the majority. Honestly, not using $4 for kids to eat lunch is so depressing. They're only kids, and it's not their fault that their parents are out of work. I dunno, the movie was really sad, BUT the ending was vaguely happy, but my attention span didn't last that long. haha.

Alcohol

Right now, I'm sitting in a Lecture Room in Sanford Building and outside of the classroom, adults are drinking and eating pizza while watching Obama give a speech about something or other. As I passed by the adults who were holding bottles of beer, I realized that I didn't feel anxious the way I usually do around people who are drinking. Even if my fellow college students were of age, I still feel uneasy watching them drink because I fear their uninhibited personalities. How come I don't fear adults when they're drinking?
I realized that I think it's because adults are able to control how much they drink, and they're drinking for social reasons rather than for the clear objective of getting drunk so that you can forget about some of your problems for a few hours. For college students, freshman especially, we don't have a grasp on our tolerance, and being Duke students especially, we think we know everything and that we are good at... just about everything. So when college students drink, they drink to their utmost capacity and I think I fear people's behavior when they completely let themselves go.
When adults drink, I think I unconsciously assume that adults are in control of themselves regardless of whether they are or not, and so I don't feel as anxious about when adults drink. As I hear the clatter of glass bottles hit the bottom of the recycling bin, I don't feel uneasy about who consumed how much and who's acting completely retarded even though many of the adults outside have very impaired judgment.

Muddy Waters

Life is moving pretty quickly now; not much time to mull over my thoughts (that, and I'm napping a lot recently).
Some things to talk about later:
-French views on Christianity (& Americans' relationship with love)
-Early morning tennis
-My need for sleep
-Friend group
-How disgusting the bathroom gets over a weekend

Beautiful Weather

Definition of yesterday :) Fun tennis with good pictures + yummy bubble tea and American-Chinese food.
Today was a long day.. finished Physics Lab early, and I really like my lab partner. He's really smart, but I feel like he's gay but just doesn't know it yet. Anywho. After dinner I had to go back to East Campus to go table for FEMMES. It's so weird being on the side that's trying to hand out the flyers rather than being the Freshman trying to avoid eye contact so I won't have to carry papers while I'm getting food. I really like the girls that I work with for FEMMES; somehow, when we come together, we all feed off of each other's really weird parts and become weirder collectively as a group. It's all good, and I'm really glad that I found this group. :)

Mondays

This morning started off with rain. Rain coupled with longest day ever = grumpy and reluctant-to-go-to-class Angela. I trekked off to Orgo recitation at 8:45 this morning. Of course, I couldn't find the classroom, so I was late. I went to French class, and it has shrunk again--from the original 10, only six remain. I want to get closer to the group of girls in my French class, but it's so odd. We have this common interest in French, and we have a bunch of other things in common, but it seems like we're in such a rush to leave and head off to our next class that we just don't bother to get to know those around us. It's funny how if any of those girls were Asian, I wouldn't feel as wary about approaching them and getting to know them. Yesterday, I found out one of the girls in my class is half Chinese and half French (how cool is that) and I automatically felt like I wanted to get to know her more. It's so stupid when I think about it, that I want to get to know people who have a similar cultural background as me when there are plenty of other people out there who may not have a similar cultural background but have ideas that are similar to mine. Even if they had ideas that challenged my own, that wouldn't be so bad. I don't know. Why is it so hard to approach fellow students? It really shouldn't be that hard.
Anyway, the rest of my academic day passed by uneventfully. I had dinner with Sarah Chang, and it was really fun. It's cool how she isn't any different even though she's married and all. Kinda crazy. I can't imagine being 25 and already married... there's just too many opportunities out there that are much more easily accomplished if you don't have kids. haha
Finalement, I thought of some culture differences that we talked about in French class today. It's so interesting some of the things France values versus America. French people don't talk to strangers because conversation creates a bond and they don't want to create bonds with people they will never see again. They also close their shutters at night because the house is a private space. Whenever they meet new people, they never ask for names or occupations because that kind of thing is too personal. Instead, they argue about politics and current events. They have a very fluid concept of time which is why they are sometimes obscenely late for things and it really just doesn't matter. Finally! They also think that political figures' only job is to govern rather than being a role model or to have high moral character aside from the government.
I guess some of those things just blow my mind. It'd be so cool to just go up to a stranger and start talking about politics and just walk away without ever knowing his name. At the same time, I don't think I could ever have a fluid notion of time. People have got to be on time.

Early Mornings

Taken at 7:30 this morning. I get to see this lovely building everyday no matter where I go. Today was a Leadership Retreat for our church. It was a lot of lecturing about what's going on in our church and who needs help and whatnot. Honestly, I didn't really get much out of it because I feel like I'm involved with the ministries that I want to be involved in.
While one of the girls was lecturing, I started nodding off, and Dan reprimanded me later for it. Funny/Annoying thing is, he was nodding off during other people's lectures as well, but it just so happens that the girl who was lecturing is someone that he really respects and admires. It's funny how things like that happen. I know I do it too. When Yooni unni was lecturing, I decided to sit up and listen even though I don't interact much with Youth Group. I wonder if professors have a similar power over their students--if they're well respected and well-liked, do students tend to be more awake during their lectures?
Anyway. I am off to the library to tackle the homework that I've always talked about for the past few days...

Rainy Days

Yesterday was a pretty uneventful day. After class, I just bummed around in my room until I had to go to a meeting and then help out with Activities Fair outside on East Campus. I didn't get a chance to check out the other organizations on campus because I was busy advertising for our church. It's really sad how few people signed up, and even though I should be encouraged that a few people did sign up, I feel like those few people did it just to get the free watermelon that we were giving out and just felt bad about taking it and not signing up. I don't know. Anyway. It started pouring halfway through the fair, and everyone ran for it. Unfortunately, I decided to stay to help clean up, and I was completely soaked through. I hate rain. The only reason why it's useful is to occasionally lower the temperature. After the Activities Fair, I had to go to church without being able to stop by my room, but I dried off after like.... four hours...
During church, it was a night of praise and worship, and I honestly wasn't really ready for it. It was really intense, and it was a good way to try to get back into the swing of things, but I think it could have been a little intense for the Freshman. Anyway, praise was good and prayer was good.

Redecorations

We've taped up magazine pictures to our wall. I really like the effect, and our room is definitely more homey.
Today has been such a good day! I had a really great physics recitation, a good round of tennis with friends (some old, one new!), yummy dinner with Amy, and good responses to my emails :)
On a sour note, I have a huge amount of homework piled up already because I set it all aside to redecorate my room :)

One Picture a Day

I'm going to take one picture that symbolizes what I've been doing that day.

For yesterday:


It's only the first week of the semester, and I've already been barraged by readings and homework. C'est la vie.



Dinner with friends at Faculty Commons :) Good conversations, good friends, and good food are the simple joys in life. It was a good break from all the work that's waiting for me on my desk, and it was nice to just catch up with the girls.
Other highlights from today:
Good French discussion (but when did my French become so bad!?)
& loved Orgo professor and the lecture
& flyered on East campus with friends
& lychee bubble tea
& plans to redecorate our room :)

Peace of Mind

The title of my blog is Peace of Mind (in French of course) :)
I feel at peace with a lot of my thoughts after I write in this blog, relating what's been on my mind recently. This morning, I received a devotional in my email, and I felt compelled to read it.
It had this super long Bible verse, and then it had a commentary made by someone else describing what peace is in relation to God.

I discovered that peace doesn't mean the end to conflict; it simply demonstrates the love of God. And we don't have to wait for a major crisis in our lives; we can allow the peace of Christ to rule our hearts each day.

Colossians 3:15 - Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

Singlehood

When I first became single again, I felt like it was such a relief. I didn't have to answer my phone all the time or constantly check my phone for texts. I felt like these invisible chains that tied me to someone were now broken, and it was such a relief. Unfortunately, a couple of months passed, and I began to miss the idea of having a boyfriend--someone who's always there to talk to you and comfort you, someone who can relate to you on multiple levels... After that, singlehood felt like a curse. I felt like I was always alone with no constant companion.
It's funny how things work out. A few months later, and I'm totally fine with being single with no prospects in sight. I'm smelling the flowers while I can and enjoying my time not having to be accountable to anyone or relying on someone for basic needs. When the time comes that I find that I need to rely on a boy for some of my problems, then I'll know I'm ready to be back in a relationship. But until that time... I'll be okay :)

Children

Something about kids just draws me to them. How they're minds work and how they're so open to new ideas and new concepts intrigues me. I think I realized that I really wanted to work with them because I love the results from helping them. I love how some kids begin really unreceptive and unresponsive to whatever you're trying to help them with, but with persistence they're just like a flower bud that slowly starts to bloom. (what a corny analogy...)
Anyway, kids can be really discouraging at times. The ones that I don't bond with, I feel like I've failed them at some point--failed to be a person they can relate to and look up to, failed to be someone they can trust and open up to...
This camp that I'm working at for this week is really cool. The theme is forensics and we're teaching 5th and 6th graders different ways to solve a crime (ex: blood spatter analysis, fingerprint dusting, etc.) It's super cool, and the most awesome part of it is that these girls grasp ideas that I didn't learn until my freshman year in high school... stuff like DNA in cells and how our entire digestive system works.
Kids are cool. :)

Growing up

My parents helped me move in again this year. It was weird, realizing that having your parents make some decisions for you could actually be helpful. I was really sad to see them go when they left. It's always such a reality check that when they leave, there's really no one that you can completely trust to always be there to help you out and be with you when you need them.
It's really scary just thinking that we are actually growing up, and we are slowly taking control of our futures.

Photography

I have developed a newfound love for photography. It gives me a new way to look at a lot of things. So many objects change when you look at them through a lens. It's funny how a place that isn't very pretty can turn out to be a good photo while some places that are so pretty and clean don't always turn out to be great pictures.

The opportunity to take pictures around Michigan helped me develop a love for certain places around town, and I truly began to appreciate the beauty that lies in Detroit. Although it's still one of the most dangerous cities in the United States, that could be exactly what helped define the architecture and character in Detroit.

Love

Why does everything have love as a part of the plot?
It's like we have some masochistic obsession with watching beautiful people attain that seemingly unreachable goal in life of love with their soul mate who can complete their sentences and is, of course, equally beautiful.

Death

Death is an unsurpassable limit of human existence...
-Medard Boss

I always forget how dramatic death can be. As my brother put it, "One minute he's there and the next, he's not." His description, though matter-of-fact and detached, is true. It's simple, really. So how come my grandma being on the verge of dying frightens me so much?
I've never been close to my paternal grandma. She's a hypochondriac, and she doesn't like my family as much as our other relatives... or so my mom has influenced me to believe. Yet last night when my dad called back to China, I was holding my breath, just waiting to hear whether or not she was still alive. Anxiously, I read his face for any sign of the verdict. She is still alive, luckily, but we all know she is on the brink of death.
I don't fear death; it is merely the end of my story, and when it comes, I think I'll be grateful for eternal rest from this hectic, constantly moving life. I fear the death of my loved ones. If they die before I die, I will begin to lose the people who I care about. Similar to Tuck Everlasting, if you're alive for too long, you will end up alone in the world. At least in Tuck Everlasting they had their family, but what happens if they are gone as well? Maybe death is scary because it is a constant reminder that we have a limited amount of time here, and there's just too much that we want to do. Or maybe it's because death is inevitable and it is our utmost limit. I think we like to believe that we are invincible on this Earth. After all, we treat it as if we rule it.
It's funny how death is such a taboo subject. No one likes to talk about it; no one wants to think about it. We try to shield children from death because we think they can't handle it, but what if it's not the subject of death but how we present it?

Passion

Passion is defined as

a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept

but what happens when what you have desired for so long is finally in your hands? Will we treasure it? Or will the novelty of our newest acquisition wear off sooner than we had expected?
It is human nature that we begin to desire the things we cannot have, but it is easier for us to enjoy the chase rather than the object we've been blindly chasing after for so long.
I came to college desiring to find something that I'm passionate about. I thought I was passionate about medicine, but I've begun to realize through my Program II essay that I'm not passionate about medicine; I'm passionate about what I can do with it. I am truly passionate about helping kids and about using what I have been blessed with to help others who were not blessed with similar material goods or opportunities.
Writing my Program II essay, I wanted to put down in words why I am passionate about medicine, but then I began thinking, what happens when I become a doctor? What will I be working towards then?

Ennui

A little sad that DukeEngage is already over! Well, it's been over for two weeks now, but I wish I was still there working with the kids and just having something substantial dictating my life. Even though I'm free of all obligations at home, I feel more constrained than ever. I don't have to be a role model for kids; I don't have to go to mandatory DukeEngage reflection sessions; I don't even need to think about what I'm doing for dinner! At the same time, these freedoms and obligations actually define the independence that I desire and crave now. I realized that I'm so lazy now that I'm home, and I think it's because I don't do anything. I have nothing to look forward to other than seeing my best friend everyday and sometimes other friends as well.

I'm so ready to go back to school and the normal hustle and bustle of college life. I'm sure I'll eat my words as soon as the semester starts back up and I'll have to learn to efficiently manage my time. For now, however, I'm ready to be busy again.

First week

The first week of Camp Calvary ends tomorrow. It's an interesting camp, and I think I'm learning a lot about kids as well as about other cultures.
The kids are really adorable, and I noticed that the younger children give their love away much easier than the older kids. The first graders all hug and cling onto me, and the fourth graders just show excitement to see me, but the seventh graders just smile and wave, nothing more. When I think about it now, maybe their affection is just another part of what "child-like faith" is actually like. They're so trusting of everyone, and they've never been truly hurt before, so their affection and faith come so easily. Older children, however, have been hurt a few more times, so it takes some time to win them over. I think that could be why we have such trouble having child-like faith, even with God Almighty, who has and can do everything for us. We fear completely trusting someone because people have always disappointed us in some fashion or other. We are hurt so much by fellow humans that we can't trust the one person who is most trustworthy...

Anyway, my kids are just bundles of endless surprises. On the way to their recreational activities, the nine-year-olds have made racist comments not just about Asians, but also Mexicans. I'm surprised that they're as ignorant as they are, and in trying to figure out where their influence comes from, I learned that even at 9, they're addicted to TV channels like MTV and VH1. It's really sad to think how detrimental technology and internet really is.

Lately, my brain has been pretty scattered and lazy. I think it's because I'm extremely distracted by my desire for a good camera but also by the internet... and the prospect of finally being able to drive.
I should start to try to cut off my ties to AIM and Facebook while I see the need for it...

Most Memorable

Today was a good day even though it didn't start out as such.

For DukeEngage we have mandatory activities every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Today's activity was a walking tour about the history of Durham. I think it could have been interesting, but the majority of the information was already drilled into our heads from previous weeks. Trekking through the streets in Durham in 100 degree weather with 80% humidity was awful. The most memorable part of the tour was a girl passing out. In the aftermath, someone said, "it's times like these that I want to be a doctor." How true. We had to call the paramedics to make sure that she was okay. How nice would it be to just know what the protocol is to take care of someone who just passed out. No need to bother anyone else, just take care of it and know that she's better.
After our tour, we went to The Know bookstore and had lunch and a little speech from the owner. I absolutely hate it when people ask, "Where are you from?" and they mean what's your nationality. Just because I have yellow-ish skin, small eyes, and straight black hair does not mean I was born somewhere else. I was born and raised in Michigan, and I'm much more American than I am Chinese. I just don't appreciate that. Unfortunately, I know I do it too. I don't think I realized how hurtful it is until it happened to me three times this summer. The owner of the The Know bookstore asked us that very question. He presented to us his theory that we should remain completely true to our culture and not fall into American traditions. He was so extreme and impenetrable with his ideas that it was really frustrating to sit through.
Anyway, after the mandatory activity, I was able to hang out with two of my peers and watched Up and went to Southpoint afterwards.
Up was definitely a different type of Disney movie but good nonetheless. I think it sends a good message not just to children but also adults who are taking their kids to watch the movie. It's easy to get caught up in the past, so much so that we lose sight on what's actually going on in real life. Sometimes, we just need that little push from someone to realize that our priorities are out of order (bird vs. burning house). For kids, the movie gave kids someone to relate to. Russell is our hero in this movie! He's a Wilderness Scout--someone respectable and skilled. In his mission to complete his sash of badges, he changes into a kid who is strong in so many facets.

The best was definitely saved for last. Tonight, I had a conversation with a few of my fellow DukeEngagers that was something I only heard about. We talked about different dimensions and how things could be so completely different. It was just mind boggling at the time and plain amazing. These people are so knowledgeable about the most random things. I really admire how they're passionate about what they're learning, and I love talking to them so much because I adore how they think. I really hope Duke changes how I think so that I start thinking outside the box.

Fellowship

Fellowship tonight was a blessing.

Ever since Sarah left, I felt really wary of going to church. Sarah was my comfort; she's a good friend and she knows me well. I knew that tonight was going to be weird for me, since I don't know any of the other people here that well.

I got to know JLee and John Moon a little better from our hang out when Grace was over, and tonight, I got to know Yooni and Jaehee a little better and it's really encouraging that during the summer God is still showing me that building relationships isn't as hard as it may seem. When I decided to break off a relationship that was really important to me, I was convicted that God would provide the friends and the relationships that I desired and needed. I needed friends that I could talk to about problems; I needed friends who would be my community and lift me up when I'm down. Granted, GMCC is a church with a blessed community, but I needed that group of friends that I always happened to have at home.

After the break-up, I became good friends with so many people, but this summer has just been a surprise and a blessing molded into one. I've become better friends with many of the girls in my class as well as in other years. I never thought that I was really good at becoming friends with girls, but God has really started to shape my heart and my personality and just shown me that anything is really possible.

DukeEngage Reflection

I know I've been complaining a lot about having to go to these mandatory reflection sessions for DukeEngage, but yesterday's session was really good and thought-provoking. Best of all, it challenged me to reevaluate social norms that I believed to be set in stone.

One of the people in DukeEngage is an international student from Zimbabwe. He shared that as a black student, he expected to naturally become friends with other black students. Unfortunately, that was not the case. He became friends with other international students--students who also had trouble conforming to our American lifestyle as well as overcoming the language barrier. He said something that was extremely wise and something that I find to be very true:

The people we're friends with aren't always people of the same skin color; my close friends arethe people who have faced similar challenges as me.

I find that to be very true. I like hanging out with Asian people more because they face similar stereotypes, and I prefer socializing with Christians because they face similar challenges on campus. It's easier to be friends with people that don't do things that challenge you because it's comfortable.

Well, I want to step out of my comfort zone.

Yesterday, we also talked about identity. We talked about racial and economic stereotypes, as well as religious ones. How they hinder how we see things and how we act around people, as well as our friend group. I realized that I identify firstly as being Asian and second-of-all as being Christian. Others said they identified as being gay and one person, whom I really respect after last night, said that she identified herself as being part of DUU. She told us how she didn't look at skin color or class to determine her friends, but rather personality. As much as I'd like to say that I do that; I don't. It's easier for me to approach someone who's Asian or someone I've seen at some church meeting or something I've seen surrounded by other Asians that it is for me to approach a white person or a sorority girl.
After I came home, I wrote a list of how I identify myself, and it made me kind of sad.

On Duke campus, I identify myself as...

1. Asian
2. GMCC
3. Pre-Med

So what happened to Duke??
This thought has been revolving in my head for awhile, but yesterday really convicted me that as much as I love GMCC, I want to be tied to something at Duke as well. I started to think of clubs and organizations at Duke that I would be interested in joining; however one final thought from the reflection session popped up in my mind...
A girl in a service fraternity told us about how, as Duke students, we're so focused on the future that we aren't willing to devote ourselves to anything that I believe in because it drains so much time away from our studies. She recounted how no one wanted to run for leadership positions in the fraternity for fear that the time commitment would draw them away from getting into Medical School, Law School, Grad School...
Honestly, that's me too. I wanted to start to step out of my church more because the fellowships would take away so much from my studies. Selfishly, I wanted to say it was to be a bigger part of the campus, but it's not. I'm afraid that if I go to these fellowships that occur so often, I will no longer be able to go to a good medical school. I think, however, that my reasoning for why I don't want to go to our fellowships as often is solid. I don't think GMCC fellowships are always God-centered. It doesn't always have to be, but in the majority of our hangouts during the schoolyear, I didn't feel any closer to God. I felt closer to my peers but that wasn't from growing closer to God together, it was from hanging out so much.
What I do feel convicted of is growing closer to God. I haven't hungered for God in awhile... I also feel convicted of joining an organization on campus that I strongly believe in. What the girl said last night really made me think. I want to become a doctor so I can make a difference in someone's life. But am I so driven by this goal that I'm blind to the other opportunities available to make a difference in someone's life at this moment? Sharing the gospel is the greatest thing one can do to change someone's life, and yet I don't have the courage to do so and so I push it aside and hide behind my Orgo books. Maybe later I'll have the courage. Maybe later I'll have the time. Maybe later I'll know just the right thing to say.

Sometimes mandatory discussions can be useful...

Today during our Panel Discussion, I met a lot of people really involved with education. Some things that I learned:

• Individual attention with kids are a must
• Good relationships between teachers and parents are helpful to help the child (kind of like the Trinity)
  
• Positive attitudes (sometimes kids reflect the negative attitudes their teachers/tutors give them with their parents)
• Sometimes kids drop out because they feel so miserable in high school (not fitting in, rich kids and poor kids - poor kids feel like how they dress etc isn't good enough)
• Oftentimes, kids who aren't doing well get pushed aside.
• But almost always, the kids who do average are neglected

Catching Up

I have a lot of catching up to do!

Since my first day at work, I fell completely in love with my 4-year-olds. They were so adorable and innocent. I love the little things that they say that show how little they know about the real world... Unfortunately, that program (Operation Breakthrough) ended last week, so I won't be seeing the babies anymore...
I guess one thing that I realized about that program was my inability to really get the adults that I worked with to respect me. They addressed me occasionally, and I guess I didn't feel really needed there. I think that's more of my desire to be relevant which is really not that important. Anyway, I just hope I made a difference with the kids and helped them in some way. I certainly learned how to cope with their constant desire to have anything they want, which is something that will come in hand in later years.
With the K-6 kids, they're really different. They're all beginning to be a bit hormonal, and they all want to fit in so they like to copy each other. Then the little kids are bratty but so adorable...
One of our supervisors wanted them to memorize poems for their presentation this Monday, and the poems are random motivational poems; however, they don't even rhyme and they don't even have a specific rhythm... Well I worked with two 3rd graders, one kindergartner, and sometimes one 1st grader and one 4th grader. It was honestly so difficult, and I just felt like I was pulling teeth. I felt bad that I had to bribe them since they're not always going to have some sort of substantial reward for just following directions... A few days ago, they had a rehearsal and they had to recite their poems for the lady who assigned them, and my kids were perfect in their recitations. I was so proud :) I think that was the first time that I actually felt maybe an inkling of how parents feel when their kids have done well in school or how teachers feel when students actually try.

One thing that happened at work today was a little unexpected I guess. The kids have a dance teacher named Mr. Haddis. Mr. Haddis is black, middle aged, and very very talkative. He approached Celeste and I as we were about to leave and he basically made references to the fact that I was Asian and female... Celeste and I were both really blown away by that, and I'm glad that Celeste and I did have similar reactions. I was really surprised that race was brought into an innocent conversation, and even though I do sometimes feel some favoritism towards Celeste because she's black, I've never heard anyone point at race so outwardly before. Besides, even with the favoritism towards Celeste, I feel like she deserves it because she's a really great people person that I really admire and from whom I'm learning a lot. Anyway, Mr. Haddis's comments were just a good reminder that there are some things that I just can't avoid, and that is part of the reason why my mom wants me to work harder so that my merits can outweigh any disadvantages from my skin color.

Before I left for work today, however, I saw something really selfless. I was walking across the street to meet Celeste to go to work and it was pouring like none other. As I was crossing I heard a dog bark, and I saw a woman in a wheelchair (and the dog on a leash next to her) who seemed to be waiting for someone. I saw a guy come out of his parked car with an umbrella and he started helping the woman with something. I assumed that he was her assistant and that he was just going to help her get her wheelchair moving and then park his car or something. As Celeste and I were driving past them, she wondered if they needed any help. She rolled down her window, and as it was going, we saw that the woman was finally able to move and we heard her say to the guy, "so what was your name again?" As we drove off, we saw him push her to whereever she was going while the rain poured and poured.
I haven't seen anyone decide to help someone truly in need and just cast aside their belongings to do a good deed. Even when the Bible tells us that we must always be prepared to leave our possessions and follow the Lord, it can sometimes be so difficult for us to do so; yet, this guy was willing to leave his car haphazardly parked in the road with probably a lot of possessions in it to help a woman he did not know and to see that she got safely to where she needed to be. That's just... amazing.

Mm those are most of my thoughts for today!

Working Life

Well today was my first full day at work. Yesterday, Celeste and I went to First Calvary Church at 8:30am, but it turns out that we wouldn't have to go there until June 22. Instead, we would meet our coordinator at 2pm at another location. So we went back to our apartments and I passed out for three more hours, ate some lunch, and went to work. The kids are really adorable and friendly. I already know that I like some more than others. The girl that none of the kids like is disliked for good reason. I really like the John family (John, Johntaye, and Johnae). Johnae's so cute, but she's going to be so spoiled. John's a funny guy but he's totally going to be such a pimp when he gets older (he took a picture of himself on my phone today, and he's always hitting and poking girls. Johntaye's pretty thoughtful and encouraging, but she's definitely a handful. Torian's a great big brother to Zipporah. Mikhi is such a character; he kissed my hand yesterday trying to bribe me to type for him. He will be such a handful... he likes to ask questions...

This morning, I went at 9am to babysit 4-year-olds. They're so adorable. I got along really quickly with Janet, and she's probably my favorite. She made me the bead bracelet, and she likes to teach me spanish (orange juice - hugo; strawberry - fraissa). Her and her friend (Corina) are really cute together, and I wonder if they'll always be good friends. Today was family day, and their parents didn't show up. I really wish I took Spanish instead of French; I didn't realize how useful Spanish could be until days like today when the parents would be muttering Spanish to each other and I would just blankly smile at them. Sue/Dorian is probably one of my other favorites. He's so little! Two of the other kids have the oddest food allergies, but it's so sad that they can't eat these things from such an early age. One of the kids can't eat pork, but I think it might be for religious reasons because his dad is from Sudan. 

I can't believe my memory for names has deteriorated so much... I used to be so good at it before college and right when I need it the most, it just dies on me. 

Camp Calvary itself doesn't seem to be too structured... the coordinators just tell us that we can choose what to go to, and that in the next three weeks that we have before the camp actually begins we'll be organizing the camp supplies and thinking up ideas. I don't even know what they want from us.

Death

Last night I found out that a girl that I grew up with recently committed suicide. It was a pretty big shocker, I mean... she and I are pretty similar when I think about it. She was a good student, went to a great high school, had similar expectations of herself, and wanted to become a doctor. So why would she take her life away? 

I don't really know the details, in fact, I don't even know if she's Christian, but I would like to believe that she is with the Lord now...

I always thought that I was okay with handling death, I mean... I want to become a doctor, so eventually, I'm going to see a lot more people dying than I planned on seeing. Her suicide, however, was just a complete shock to me, and I don't think death has ever felt so real before. I mean, my grandma died a few years ago, but it was kind of expected; she was old and she had a stroke a few months before she passed. And when you hear about people committing suicide, it's never someone that you actually know. Someone that you talked to, laughed with, grew up with... but this case was different and it was such a wake-up call for me.

I can't believe I know who the funeral is for... we're too young for this.

End of the Semester

My goodness. This past week has been insane.

Wellll, finally done with exams and Freshman year! 

First off, I can't believe everyone is leaving, and that it's going to be so different next year! No Marketplace to conveniently meet in, and no more constantly taking the C-1 back and forth. No more knowing who's actually part of your year and who isn't! My mind is boggled and anxious and excited for next year. 

A few things that I wonder about...

how I will grow spiritually

how easy it'll be to keep in touch with everyone during the semester

who will change after the summer

who I'll end up being closer to after fall semester

if I'll ever learn to manage my time and strike a balance between church, school, friends, clubs...

what the new Freshman will be like

whether I'll be closer to my hall than I was this year

if DukeEngage will be a great experience

This year was amazing <3

What matters

Romans 8:5-11
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For this reason the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law--indeed it cannot, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God. But you are not in the flesh; you are in the Spirit, since the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will give life to your mortal bodies also through his Spirit that dwells in you.

It's so easy to get caught up in the material things in life--clothes, friends, money... When I study, it's hard for me to keep in mind that what I do is all to glorify God. I often think that these tests, these grades are obstacles keeping me from the future that I want, but they're really tests not just of knowledge but also of faith; faith that I trust God will help me get through the rough patches and stressful times unscathed.

This passage reminded me of something else that happened last night. Recently, I've been pretty content with where I am. I haven't been growing a lot spiritually, but I have gained a lot of friends and I thought that the fellowship was good enough. This weekend, however, was really amazing. PraiSing renewed me a lot spiritually, and I began to thirst for God's word again. Last night, I was talking to some people that I only recently became close to, as well as some that I have fallen out of touch with, both of whom are people who will be leaving. I started to get really emotional because I realized how temporary our stay here is, not just on Earth, but also in North Carolina. God gave me a huge wake up call this weekend, and he reprimanded me for enjoying others' company more than I treasured His; yet by God's grace, I have a really amazing community and a renewed thirst for Christ.

This prayer is from a devotional that Donna subscribed me to, but I really like it:
Prayer: Heavenly Father, help us to recognize the pitfalls of attractive temptations, and to avoid them by following the Holy Spirit's guidance. Amen.

Late night chats

So I pulled my first all-nighter last/tonight, but it was so totally worth it :)
Lots of really great conversation about love, relationships, our church, leadership, fellowship, cliques, technology, time...

Last night is probably one of my favorite nights of college; thanks you guysss <3

P.S.

I noticed I'm in a very sentimental mood lately, so just deal with it

Studying for Finals: Day 1

After WA Duke (yummy food <3) I went to small group, and Donna, Stephanie, and I spontaneously decided to study in Trinity Cafe/Marketplace Atrium together. Five hours, four bathroom breaks, and a few papers later...

Stephanie and I are very weird together, but God has blessed me with someone I can completely open up with and even though the year is winding down, I know that these friends will be here for many years to come.

Thank you all for being such awesome and amazing friends that love and support me!

Things to do before we graduate!

Climb up the Chapel
Pull an all-nighter
Go to a Duke basketball game
Go on a Spring Break trip
Go on a road trip
Go to Sunrise Service

LDOC

Freshman year is over! except for the four finals I have lined up next week... but that's okay.

This year has not ceased to amaze me. I found God again after so many years, and He has welcomed me back with open arms. I've found this awesome community that has picked me up when I felt so low.

Highlights of Freshman year:

& my first and only party with Angie, Jessica, and Jenn

& first college football game!

& CALL retreat where I found God again <3>

& Holyween when I got to know UNC Freshman, word. & Disney theme was the best :)

& winter break - seeing friends + oovoo = love all of my friends

& Midnight Breakfast with a crazyyy line for some amazing food

& finals and studying in CIEMAS with late nights and lots of food

& Sex Conference and driving home with the caravan! (and getting pulled over by the police twice)

& the showering of love after Valentine's Day

& birthday surprise :)

& Leadership Retreat and getting to know umma <3

& Spring Break with late night oovoo chats with Grace, Kenny, Brian, and Joe

& Freshman FamBam with filming fail and good Bali Hai

& Duke basketballll

& random hang outs at UNC with Grace, Joe, Kenny, Meta, and Brian

& Easter Egg Hunt with cute kids, beautiful weather, fun football, bounce house, and some dirty people

& tennis with Dan and Charles
& Mattaniah's birthday surprise, so sweet

& long nights of Mafia and Catchphrase

& girls sleepover with lots of food, no movie, but lots of love

& small group love <3 & spontaneous studying in random places
& craziness with all of my friends
& finals studying

You guys are just plain awesome, and thank you all for being there for me when I needed y'all the most. I love the girls that I've become close to and the boys that are so much fun to be around; you guys are all some of my favorite people to talk to <3

For the Freshman, three LDOCs from now, I hope that we are only closer and that we'll always be really great friends even after we all separate!